The Hidden Demons

This is something that, until recently, I never really talked to anyone about. I'd like to thank Mom for talking it out with me in San Diego, and helping me come to a conclusion. The issue? I get depressed.

Doesn't really seem like a big deal. Everyone gets depressed sometimes, it's part of life. And if that weren't enough, the STUPID "Depression Hurts" commercials from Cymbalta are enough to make me not want to even consider that I could have a problem that begets a commercial THAT painfully stupid.

Anyway. Everyone gets depressed!! But sometimes, and for long periods of time it gets to the point where it effects everything.

I can't bring myself to get out of bed, I sleep a lot. I ignore Pat and his cheery self, I don't talk to him, I avoid him and shut him out of my life. More then that, I get angry and defensive when my sweet, sweet, husband tries to help me get out of a "bad mood" or horrible day.

I often find myself drinking alcohol during these times, often excessively, and at inappropriate times during the day.

I avoid any contact with friends, don't answer my cell phone, avoid work. I, truly, just want to be left the fuck alone to be miserable and hate life and everything in it.

I cry for hours, for no reason. And while I can usually snap myself out of a bad day, or recognize a PMS moment or two (and normally warn Pat before I go crazy!), I am never able to pull myself out of this void of happiness. Trying only leads to frustration, which leads to a knowledge that I'm a worthless being who can't even make myself happy with all I have!

I'm a very blessed person damn it! I have NO reason to feel like this. But that's kinda the rub, isn't it?

This isn't something people really talk about, outside of stupid commercials that make me violent. Well, I decided to start talking, cause I'm fucking sick of whatever this is stealing my life for weeks at a time, and having no recourse but to live it.

So I'm done. I've started doing researching into anti-depressants and have scheduled a visit with my doctor to discuss my options.

I always thought the whole genetic, or hormone imbalance thing was a joke. I still do. I'm not fat, prone to drink alcohol, or depressed because of my genes or hormones (well, it could be hormones, but I'm not broken damn it!!). I don't know why I'm that way, but whatever it takes to stop not living my life, and having this interfere with my husband's life, I'm going to do it. I don't care.

This morning I'm doing some research on medications and notice that those MAOI's the drug commercials are always warning you about are anti-depressants! But even worse, there are food restrictions!

*When taking an MAOI, you must avoid taking certain medications (including some over the counter medicines like Sudafed) and eating certain foods such as aged cheese, wine and beer, avocados, bananas, canned meats, yogurt, soy sauce, packaged soups and sour cream.

It is important to note that you should not drink alcoholic beverages while taking antidepressant medicines, since alcohol can seriously interfere with their beneficial effects.

So those are out! Not gonna give up cheese, avocados, and sour cream. Giving up alcohol is gonna be a toughy too! Either way though. This is good for me. Good for Pat. Excellent for our relationship and for me being me.

Thank you all for your support and love. And thanks Mom, for talking about something everyone loves to avoid. I love you!