Let's Be Honest - I Don't Cook.

I had a epiphany this morning. One of epic proportions.

It's not that I don't like to cook - it's that figuring out what to cook gives me anxiety attacks, and quite frankly, it's not worth it. Add in that while I can cook most basic (and honestly, some advanced) stuff, I don't know this terminology used by most recipe sites and it's so overwhelming!

I realized this while trying to come up with a meal plan for the week. It started out so well. Andouille sausage with peppers over penne pasta, almond flour chicken with veggies and rice, - and then suddenly I'm sitting at my computer, crying, convinced that my life isn't worth living because I can't figure out what Pat likes to eat. Hence I am a horrible wife, horrible partner, and truly, should just leave him and let him be with someone who can cook. Ridiculous? A little bit. Reality? Very much so.

After talking to Pat about it, I realized part of my issue is that I can cook - sometimes very well. But I'm overwhelmed by a lot of what's out there now.

For the love of everything good, what the hell is a dutch oven and why does EVERYONE but me own one?!?!? Also, who has time to season them, clean them (since they can't be dishwashered), and care for them while working 50-55 hours a week and getting any semblance of sleep and going out of town every 2 or three weekends? AND! How do people do this and have kids?!?!

I have no idea if I have a broiler - or what I would do with it if I had one. Last time I just tried to turn the oven up to 500º and put the rack at the closest to the top level - and ended up setting off all three fire alarms in the house. THAT was a fun afternoon.

Why does every recipe have to have 800 ingredients? I have to come home from work, cook a meal for a husband who wants to eat RIGHT NOW because otherwise he's convinced he'll starve to death, and apparently, every dish worth making takes 45 minutes of prep and at least an hour and a half of cooking - not to mention dirtying every pan I own.

To solve these issues I decided to start looking up one pan meals. All of them seem to require pantry items that aren't available unless you live in a real town with shops like Trader Joe's or specialty shops with herbs and items we simply don't have here in Ridgecrest. Also, many one pan meals require flour or cornmeal for thickening (which we don't use in this house), cooking chicken then shredding it then cooling it then re-adding it to the pan.

So why I'll only used one pan - I've used one plate and fork/utensil for pre-cooked meat, another pot and utensil for post cooked meat, and a final for holding all the food before plating while I finish a sauce and then all the actual plating items that it's really likely I'd be just as capable of competing on and winning Top Chef as it is I'd be able to pull this stuff off.

So the remedy we're going to try is Pat choosing the meals, and we'll do prepping on the weekends and quick cooking during the week. The prep during the weekend has always worked too well. Pat sees stuff for meals at lunch or when I get home too late to start dinner so he'll eat before 7:30 and decides to either make sandwiches or salads out of it, leaving me with no actual food to cook.

Or I have crazy weeks at work, get home late (after heading in early), and I'm simply too tired to cook so we end up with curry. This is NOT bad, I would live off of curry if Pat would let me!! Unfortunately, Pat is not the "I'll live off hotpockets and curry" kinda guy. Seriously - who wouldn't love to live off hotpockets?!

Anyway - we'll see how this one works, but in the meantime, I'm eschewing all recipe and cooking sites because it's simply too much to handle right now.

Not like I've got anything else going on! LOL

An Update On Mom - 12FEB12

I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers for mom's cancer.

We found out last week that she has no visible cancer in her body currently. All the imaging came back clean. What's on her lungs isn't cancer, and frankly, we're not worried about what it is right now.

So the 6 cycles of chemo (Carboplatin/taxol) will be "prevantative" against any microscopic cancer cells currently floating through her body, as one lymph node on both sides came back as positive for cancer cells when they removed them during her surgery, January 13th.

We start chemo this Thursday, February 16th, 2 days after her birthday.

I have not been this excited to hear the words "cancer treatment" since about 12 years ago, and even then, radiation for a severely indolent form of non-hodgkins lymphoma is a breeze compared to chemo!

I could not be more humbled by the outpouring of support from co-workers, friends, and family than the last few weeks. It has been a struggle to get up the energy to drive to San Diego - but you do what you have to do, and Pat has been nothing short of the most amazing man on earth through all this.

Thank you all for your continued love, support, and shoulders to cry on (Mo and Amy have been just ROCKS through all this!!!). We've got a few months to go, but we're on the right track, and hopefully will have few complications, and an AWESOME party to celebrate when we're through!

Love you all!

B

Today

Scared. But alive.

Tired. But keeping on.

Filled with moments of doubt and overwhelmed often. Happy moments cherished now more than ever.

Crying. But strong.

Overcoming.

Slowly.

Such is life.

Stupid Trickey Washer

You know you don't need any more alcohol when you think you hear the garage door opening, so you run out to greet your honey who's been gone most of the day - only to realize the garage door is closed.

Because what you heard is the washer draining water, and you probably shouldn't have had that last serving of vodka.....

Oh well! LOL

Home For A Few Days

Work is kinda crazy, and I'm rushing to catch up so I can head back down to San Diego 01FEB-04FEB and then come back home for another week or two.

I am very much looking forward to getting this chemo show on the road so there is some action. At least, I think that's how I feel. It will change in a few minutes.

This has all been rather disorienting and a little much, but I'm glad to have the support of my husband, friends, and wonderful co-workers, not to mention my family.

I suppose I should go lay in bed now. Sleep won't come for a few more hours, but at least I'll be more relaxed!

San Diego Day 2; Friday the 13th

Mom had her surgery on Friday the 13th. I arrived at their place as they were leaving for the hospital.

I walked the dog and played with him. Then watched some Dr. Oz (never watched his show before), and did some light cleaning at their place. I fed the dog on schedule, and Dad called me to tell me he was coming home rather than spending more time at the hospital.

They had taken mom in already, as her surgery was scheduled for 10:15am.

Dad and I spent some time watching TV, and talking. Then we headed off to Mission Valley to pass the time and wait to hear something from the Dr.

While we were out a nurse called us and let us know the surgery was going well but would take longer than originally scheduled. We decided to have lunch at the mall (salad and burgers for me), and then head home for a bit.

We headed off to the hospital and found out mom had been out of surgery for at least an hour, but no one had called us. The front desk staff got a hold of the Dr, who called dad and said the surgery had gone as planned and we could see mom in about an hour. That would put the time at around 6pm.

6:15 rolled around and they called us out to see Mom. She looked so little, and her eyes were filled with ointment and she was *really* loopy. She was trying to talk but you could tell her muscles weren't responding the way she wanted. After a few minutes she greeted us both, and we waited while they got her settled in her private room.

I started crying while they were getting her settled and taking her vitals. I wasn't used to seeing my mom looking so frail and out of it. But I was also so relieved to see her. I think everything hit me then. Dad was very comforting. Poor dad. Trying to be strong for his daughter while thinking about his wife. That must be so hard.

Mom was slowly coming out of the anesthesia and was complaining she was itchy and REALLY thirsty. So we found a nurse and asked if she could have water. She said she'd take care of it. An assistant of some sort brought a cup of ice, and a drinking cup and a small pitcher of water. But we were waiting for the nurse because we figured something special had to be done, or she had to be cleared for ice chips or something. Meanwhile, mom was still experiencing itching.

By this time Beth had arrived, and she went go to find the nurse again, who said she'd come check on her shortly. But she only had 20 minutes left of her shift, and she was trying to finish stuff up for all of her patients.

Finally we caught another assistant and checked about being able to give mom water, and if something could be done for the itching. The assistant checked with the nurse and said we could give mom water, she could drink on her own. Said she was on a regular diet.

The nurse had to be tracked down a third time regarding the itching. She said she had turned it over to the incoming nurse who would be there shortly, but that it was probably the opiates she had been given earlier.

We made sure mom had water and raised her bed so she could sit up a bit (changing the TV channel several times and breaking it, in the process). Then we left her to sleep.

She would close her eyes for a second and kinda phase out, so we all thought she was asleep, but then she'd ask a questions and kind of rub her eyes which were still gooey from the ointment.

I went back to mom and dad's place, walked the dog, fed him, and then headed to the grocery store to pick up food to make in my kitchenette. It's weird buying groceries in a store you don't have locally. The brands are way different, and the costs are too! I wasn't sure what was a regular price and what was just a ripoff, but I was utterly exhausted, so I just grabbed stuff, checked out ($70 later) and went back to the hotel.

I got back to the hotel, ate leftovers from lunch for dinner, put away the groceries, and passed out.

It's hard being here without Pat, but I think he'd be miserable going through this, and I can only deal with so much at a time. I do miss him at night though. Hard to be without you honey! I slept better Friday night, but I went to bed around midnight (after some rum from Vons), and was out for most of the night. I only woke up 3 times, all from being too hot.

Good to know on a Friday night the hotel doesn't get all wild, I guess. Still wish I was sleeping in my own bed though! With my honey next to me!

San Diego Day 1: Thursday January 12th

I arrived in San Diego safe and sound on the 12th and headed straight to mom and dad's place.  I had worked until 11, then went home and had lunch with Pat, and finished packing. I headed out of town right a little afternoon and traffic wasn't bad at all.

I spent the evening with Mom and dad, and went over Scooter's (their dog) schedule. I scarfed the double cheeseburger I had bought at Burger King earlier that day (actually, Pat bought it for me), and didn't eat anything the rest of the day. Clearly a mistake, but I was too exhausted to eat anything and anything I had at Mom and Dad's would have caused Mom and frenzy of cleaning and I was trying to get her to just relax.

I guess we all unstress, or focus on other things differently, as mom had made enough food to feed a hungry squadron. Moms are a little obsessed with feeding people!!

I left and checked into the hotel, and pretty much crashed, after making sure WoW was patching on the laptop.

The hotel is decent. I have a kitchen with a full sized fridge, a stovetop with 2 electric burners, 2 pans, 2 plates and bowls, and a very skimpy amount of kitchen utensils. I'm glad I brought my own.

Surgery was Saturday, so I called Pat and said goodnight and then read for a bit before crashing. Of course a car alarm went off around midnight for almost 20 minutes, and then someone tromped into the hotel making all sorts of noise and waking me up again. Pat called to say goodnight somewhere between those two events, and then I woke up FREEZING sometime before 4am. So when my alarm went off at 6:30 I was exhausted.

Such is the life in a hotel I guess.

There is a Fine Line....

There's a fine line between a comfy warm shower covering you in a beautiful blanket of comfort and scalding the hell out of yourself. Tonight, I discovered that line, and it wasn't pretty.

It's like thinking you're taking a bite of cake and getting the taste of vinegar. For a moment, you're shocked into thinking OMG WHAT THE HELL, and the next you're frantically waving your arms and pantomiming a spider being on you. Either that or you make the worst cake ever and you're just used to it by now.

I leave for San Diego tomorrow. Mom is having surgery for endometrial cancer, and I'll be spending some time down there. I'm mostly packed, except for a few clothes still in the dryer I forgot to move over when I put away the first load. I ALWAYS do that. It's incredibly frustrating.

As an aside, I'd like to thank Mo for being the most understanding awesome person in the world. We postponed out Christmas celebration tonight, and that was just such a weight off my shoulders. She is truly awesome!

Keep an eye on Facebook and Twitter for updates from San Diego. I can't update the blog without turning on my location thingie on my phone, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let Google force me into that.

I plan to blog lots from SD, so I'll see you all on the flip side!

B