Pat and Bee's Life

At the speed of crazy!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

All Christmas Spirited Out?

I've got a few people I know who could use some outside help in getting stabilized and back on their feet.

Unfortunately, the last few journey's into taking care of others that Pat and I have undertaken turned out to be what one can mildly put as complete disasters. So Pat is a little unwilling to go out on a limb yet again, and I really can't blame him.

In the past though, I could always fall back onto the fact that I had my own money, as small a discretionary fund as it may have been. I could always offer a quick $20 or $40 that could do more to help other people than it could help me.

I feel now though, that I don't have that same freedom, for better or worse. I refuse to give out money or favors when I know Pat would have a problem with them. But now I struggle with not doing anything for people that I could help.

I stand here, watching others struggle, in a place where I used to be and had few (or no one) to help me. It seems wrong. It seems ungrateful. But I simply can't bring myself to start siphoning money away from our joint bank accounts without telling Pat what I'm doing. That would be deceitful and wrong, and I've worked hard to let Pat know he can trust me with his....our, money.

Those who know me will understand I've not always been good with money. My bankruptcy, car repo, and general history with money proves that point rather well. It's taken me years to carry a credit card and not go completely berserk with it. Knowing I have to come home and face Pat and explain to him why I've not been a good steward with our money is a HUGE factor in this.

Part of my not being good with money is not being able to say no. I'd sit there and give out my paycheck to those struggling and not have enough to pay my own bills, buy my own groceries, or take care of my own responsibilities. Pat has helped me. He is that quiet voice that says "no" gently, but responsibly.

I don't like it, but it's not a battle I'm going to pick. We have our own worries that are more important than me taking care of others before my husband.

So, for now, I'll sit here and watch others struggle. I'll wait until, maybe, those we've helped in the past are able to reciprocate. That's what it will take, I believe, for Pat to be willing to help others once again.

So no Christmas spirit for now, and prayers and thoughts to those who are going through what I know feels like hell on earth. Be strong, be smart with your money, be responsible....all those things I was never, before I met Pat. You CAN do it. I have faith.


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